guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
