i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
