I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
