Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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