How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Everyone says I win the strip club
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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