Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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