I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
