paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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