Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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