there's paper in my vomit.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
