My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
