Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
