At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
