Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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