im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
