i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
