I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
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