oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
