Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
