someone owes me an orgasm
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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