The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
