If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
