He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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