Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
