You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
