I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
