You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
