you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
