Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
