Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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