Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
