ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
