He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
