woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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