Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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