YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
