how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
