I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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