I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
