I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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