The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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