my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
