I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
