I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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