we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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