you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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