i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
