I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
