The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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