I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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