Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
