he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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