I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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