two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
